I hear my car engine’s race-car-like
sound as I hit on gas so slowly yet with full passion and switch to fifth gear.
It’s not a race-car, just a gray Altis, but I’m pretending it is. With my eyes shut
even at the speed of my car, I feel like I’m doing what is truly right thing to
do at the moment, that this fearless action of mine would patch things up and
would finally end my great struggles. The heavy rain that either wets or covers
up the sweat and tears all over me doesn’t stop me from keeping my speed.
Instead, I turn up the music until my car accessories start shaking a bit
because of the bass of my EDM. I then switch off my wiper and choose to watch all
the puddles of water dripping on my windshield from my car’s roof as my car
continues with full obedience to accelerate.
I’m guessing I’m still on the first
lane, the closest to the center island. What pushes me more to do this is that there
are only a couple of cars at the road right now as much as I see. Sure, the road
lights are all up and at nights when water becomes what you see on roads
instead of your city, no one would be too stupid to go and watch the roads.
This is great. I mean, if something happens to me, no one will witness. At
least at the end of my life, eyes will finally be off me. At that thought, I smile
with relief and joy that my brows make more evident. And dying. This is great.
The nearest intersection comes in
at around ten kilometers, well I don’t care. Instead I press my window button beside me and
slip off my left hand outside, feeling the breaking winds and not caring how
much water is getting to me. It’s weird you know, feeling almost all the
emotions on earth right now.
I then hear
a loud and long ring of horn. My chest bangs against my dashboard. My windshield
breaks as my head goes through it, leaving just a few shattered pieces intact
to its frame. My left hand which was carefree outside my window a few seconds ago
is caught at the corner of its great escape. And my head lands flat on my car’s
hood, feeling like it hit a rock from twenty feet behind.
Next thing I
know, I’m on my feet. Or not really feet. I feel so light. I’m here at the
intersection near a shopping mall and a train station, with all these unknown
people. They seem really preoccupied despite that they are so soaked in water.
A loud shout
and cry of a little girl at the arms of
somebody surrounded the open area. Where could her mother be? She must attend
to her soon. What a careless mom.
A familiar
sight of clothes catches my attention. I see my checkered red and black polo
worn by a man on top of an emergency hospital bed. And the man wears the same
shoes as mine. Wait, isn’t that me? Yeah, that’s me. But why am I there? I’m at
two places at the same time?
Now I see a
wrecked gray Altis right there in the middle of the commotion. Its bumper and
hood is badly distorted. Wait, there’s another car. A blue old L300 but it’s a couple
of yards away from my ride. And it’s turned right up. It’s obvious that it crashed to each other so
badly. The drivers must be really dumbasses. The impact must have been really powerful.
Watery blood is all over the cars and the ground because of the rain.
But isn’t
that my ride? What just happened? I immediately come near to my car, with all
the police tapes around the accident area. I guess they knew it was mine. Not
one policeman stopped me from approaching it despite the crime scene, though
some of them are examining it.
A fine
sculpted middle-age man interrupts my contemplation. He approaches me asking if
I have any idea what happened because he can’t see his daughter and no one
wants to talk to him. He said he’s so worried because he saw his wife taken by
the ambulance, so badly injured and now he can’t find his daughter. I refuse to
answer him. I should attend to myself first.
There are
just two cars right here. What just happened? I’m sure this is my car. But why
is it right here, involved in this commotion? And my body, why did they take it
to the hospital by the ambulance? I am convinced right now that I’m dreaming so
I raise my left arm to pinch it and wake myself. But I can’t feel it. I can’t
feel my arm. It’s nothing.
I run to the
other side of the crime scene where there is an ambulance, thinking of the
policemen that I might bump into in this rush but not caring. But no one reacts
and I feel nothing. I just pass through his body. I’m now a ghost? This is how
they show it in films.
I run again
and nothing happened.
I realize
slowly, I’m now a ghost. This means I’m now dead. I’m finally free! I ended
already! I jumped to my happiness. I guess I did. If I am on my body I would.
But I’m too light right now to be sure that I jumped. Although my car got
crashed, at least I’m dead now. No one could run after me. My mom will no
longer be around me anywhere I go. Writers will find new subjects to write
about. I’m finally done worrying about how much I have to keep myself from
speaking myself out, knowing the influence I have on everybody. My bashers will
stop pointing out my mistakes and imperfections. My rivals will no longer bully
me. And most importantly, she’ll regret her whole life that she dumped my love for
her tonight. For a while, she’ll be blamed. I wanted this. I wanted to be free.
I wanted to die, because this is the perfect solution.
So now I’m
in the middle of these two cars that crashed, still feeling fulfilled. I kind
of understand how I died. My car crashed
to another car. Maybe it was a stop for my side and my car was still on its
full speed. And the other car was just on its cue to go.
Policemen
busy, umbrellas and lights everywhere and a few wet bystanders watching the
crime scene. I hear them talking but don’t mind to listen. I lie down on the
road. I know they won’t mind. They don’t see and feel me anyway. Euphoria.
I remember the
guy that asked me where his daughter was. He said his wife was taken to the
hospital and he has a child. He saw me?
I remember the
crying child. Is she his kid? How is she going to live after this? Now that her
she just lost her father and certainly soon her mother too, what is life ahead
of her?
My death costs the child to live with the burden of my agony.
